I’m in love with my neighbor’s wife. What should I do?

Anonymous asked: Dear Todd, I’m in love with my neighbor’s wife. What should I do?

Todd says: Always consult the Bible. It’s full of advice on scoring with the ladies.

In your case, the 10th Commandment is most germane. It states: “Thou shalt not covet thy neighbors ox,” which some might say applies to wives, too. But remember, we’re talking about the Tenth Commandment, which makes it the least important one.

So, I suggest that you check your HOA covenants regarding livestock. If your neighborhood doesn’t permit livestock, then it probably doesn’t permit your neighbor’s ox which, Biblically speaking, means it doesn’t permit his wife, either.

So, you’re obviously well within your rights to go to your neighbor’s house and remove said ox, at which point she becomes your property.

You’re Welcome,


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Dear Todd, I hate my job. What should I do?

Anonymous asked:

Todd says: You’ve come to the right place for career advice. I’ve been thinking about getting a job for years now. Here are some things I’ve learned:  First and foremost, don’t fall for that “early bird gets the worm” bullshit. Nobody ever talks about the early worm that gets ate. Don’t be a dead worm. Sleep in, get some rest.

Also, attention to detail in evertyhing you do is very importnat.

-You’re welcome, Todd

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Dear Future Employer,


13228-a-young-businessman-giving-a-thumbs-up-signal-pvI am writing to express my interest in your highest paying position, whatever that may be.

I’m no stranger to hard work. In fact, my father tells me I can see it coming from a mile away. (He is always praising me like that.)

Please review my enclosed resume and employment history. Succinct, no?

Let’s recall a quote by Oscar Wilde: “Experience is simply the name we give our mistakes.” Suffice it to say that I’ve had a mistake-free career.

I’ll speak with you further when I pop in for lunch tomorrow. Say, Noonish?


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