Ambivalence

Source: Ambivalence

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Possible Inner Monologue of the Woman Behind Me in Line at Wholefoods Today

Source: Possible Inner Monologue of the Woman Behind Me in Line at Wholefoods Today

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I edited the poem.

Stellar.

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By Todd!!!

Did you edit the essay?

i edited only the poem.

Did anyone else edit the poem?

only i edited the poem.

Did you improve the poem?

i only edited the poem.

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“Unintended Consequences: The Movie”

By Todd!!! The Deity sits on a throne atop a cloud. “Silence!” he bellows. All goes silent, except one drunk girl who screams “Wooo!” (She is from New Jersey.) God clears hi…

Source: “Unintended Consequences: The Movie”

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Must Love Dogs

Pretty amazing.

puppy 64658

By Todd!!!

The gal down the hall insists on walking her mutt at the same time I walk my precious Sparkles. This, despite knowing full-well that her vermin despises my sweet angel pup—a contempt that once erupted into a fierce skirmish in the elevator.

The elevator door was already sliding shut when she and her demonseed barged in.

In seconds, our pets locked onto each others throats between us while we trembled in opposite corners. Then it’s ding! The doors part, and out they go in a huff, as if to suggest that my sweet Sparkles was the instigator. AS IF!!!

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Oh How I Will Love Thee

This guy’s a genius.

Todd3By Todd!!!

My love, I will draw figure eights

with my fingertips around your

back dimples,

whisper words from my heart

to your soul,

And tomorrow, my love,

When you wake in my arms,

You will no longer

doubt that thing

you’ve been feeling

is actually

my boner pressing into your butt cheek.

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A Message from Todd’s Inner Critic

This guy.

orange-smiley-face-pvBy Todd

Dude, you’re my number-one homie. I’ma shoot you straight because no one else has the balls to. (Plus, I’m drunk from all that Jim Beam you just guzzled.)

Todd, bro, you need to give up this whole (does finger-quotes)

I’m so cool, I’m so ironic

schtick.

Trust me, dude, your writing blows. Why should anyone read your words? What’s so special about your words? Bro, you like stoner movies and reality television – what makes you think you’re a writer?

—Wait, is that a tear I see? Don’t cry homie. You know I love you man!

/end Todd’s hopes and dreams.

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