Ambivalence

Source: Ambivalence

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Possible Inner Monologue of the Woman Behind Me in Line at Wholefoods Today

Source: Possible Inner Monologue of the Woman Behind Me in Line at Wholefoods Today

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I edited the poem.

Stellar.

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By Todd!!!

Did you edit the essay?

i edited only the poem.

Did anyone else edit the poem?

only i edited the poem.

Did you improve the poem?

i only edited the poem.

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“Unintended Consequences: The Movie”

By Todd!!! The Deity sits on a throne atop a cloud. “Silence!” he bellows. All goes silent, except one drunk girl who screams “Wooo!” (She is from New Jersey.) God clears hi…

Source: “Unintended Consequences: The Movie”

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Must Love Dogs

Pretty amazing.

puppy 64658

By Todd!!!

The gal down the hall insists on walking her mutt at the same time I walk my precious Sparkles. This, despite knowing full-well that her vermin despises my sweet angel pup—a contempt that once erupted into a fierce skirmish in the elevator.

The elevator door was already sliding shut when she and her demonseed barged in.

In seconds, our pets locked onto each others throats between us while we trembled in opposite corners. Then it’s ding! The doors part, and out they go in a huff, as if to suggest that my sweet Sparkles was the instigator. AS IF!!!

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Oh How I Will Love Thee

This guy’s a genius.

Todd3By Todd!!!

My love, I will draw figure eights

with my fingertips around your

back dimples,

whisper words from my heart

to your soul,

And tomorrow, my love,

When you wake in my arms,

You will no longer

doubt that thing

you’ve been feeling

is actually

my boner pressing into your butt cheek.

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A Message from Todd’s Inner Critic

This guy.

orange-smiley-face-pvBy Todd

Dude, you’re my number-one homie. I’ma shoot you straight because no one else has the balls to. (Plus, I’m drunk from all that Jim Beam you just guzzled.)

Todd, bro, you need to give up this whole (does finger-quotes)

I’m so cool, I’m so ironic

schtick.

Trust me, dude, your writing blows. Why should anyone read your words? What’s so special about your words? Bro, you like stoner movies and reality television – what makes you think you’re a writer?

—Wait, is that a tear I see? Don’t cry homie. You know I love you man!

/end Todd’s hopes and dreams.

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I’m in love with my neighbor’s wife. What should I do?

Anonymous asked: Dear Todd, I’m in love with my neighbor’s wife. What should I do?

Todd says: Always consult the Bible. It’s full of advice on scoring with the ladies.

In your case, the 10th Commandment is most germane. It states: “Thou shalt not covet thy neighbors ox,” which some might say applies to wives, too. But remember, we’re talking about the Tenth Commandment, which makes it the least important one.

So, I suggest that you check your HOA covenants regarding livestock. If your neighborhood doesn’t permit livestock, then it probably doesn’t permit your neighbor’s ox which, Biblically speaking, means it doesn’t permit his wife, either.

So, you’re obviously well within your rights to go to your neighbor’s house and remove said ox, at which point she becomes your property.

You’re Welcome,

Todd

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Dear Todd, I hate my job. What should I do?

Anonymous asked:

Todd says: You’ve come to the right place for career advice. I’ve been thinking about getting a job for years now. Here are some things I’ve learned:  First and foremost, don’t fall for that “early bird gets the worm” bullshit. Nobody ever talks about the early worm that gets ate. Don’t be a dead worm. Sleep in, get some rest.

Also, attention to detail in evertyhing you do is very importnat.

-You’re welcome, Todd

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Dear Future Employer,

Enjoy

13228-a-young-businessman-giving-a-thumbs-up-signal-pvI am writing to express my interest in your highest paying position, whatever that may be.

I’m no stranger to hard work. In fact, my father tells me I can see it coming from a mile away. (He is always praising me like that.)

Please review my enclosed resume and employment history. Succinct, no?

Let’s recall a quote by Oscar Wilde: “Experience is simply the name we give our mistakes.” Suffice it to say that I’ve had a mistake-free career.

I’ll speak with you further when I pop in for lunch tomorrow. Say, Noonish?

Sincerely,
-Todd!!!

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